Monday, August 19, 2013

Imperfectly Perfect

   Standing backstage, just before the curtain came up for what would be an experience that could be best described as surreal, a musician paced back and forth, his mind racing through the multitude of significant milestones that had led to this very moment. He found it very difficult to express in words how much this meant to him on a personal, emotional, and psychological level.

   Throughout the entirety of his youth, he never felt as though he measured up. He always felt lost, confused, and somehow less valuable than everyone around him. He never felt as though he had ever been one of the cool kids. He was just a guy trying to figure out where he fit in. More often than not, he felt as though he didn't fit in anywhere.

   The people who were closest to him had often criticized who he was, how he looked, what he said, how he thought, felt, and performed. He was quite often told that he wasn't smart enough, good enough, talented enough, attractive enough.

   As he grew older in years, the criticism he'd faced so often made it's way into the deepest parts of who he believed he was. It wasn't something that was in the forefront of his mind. It was more of a nagging doubt in his own self-worth that always left him second-guessing his value in the eyes of others.

   But here he was............

    The venue was on the stage of his high school auditorium. He hadn't been back to this place - where he once roamed the halls feeling completely out of place and out of sorts - for nearly 30 years.

   But here he was............

    His band had been invited to play on this stage - in front of what could be over 1,000 people - for a benefit concert to help pay for musical equipment for the students who now attended. Most of the current students lived at or below the poverty level. None of them knew him personally. All they knew was that he was there to help raise money for their dreamers, their artists, their musicians, all of whom had dreams of their own, but had no ability to purchase the gear necessary for them to pursue their dreams.

   In some ironic twist of fate, he had returned to the stage where he had once felt completely rejected, isolated, and ignored - now feeling as some sort of a conquering hero, there to make a difference in the lives of those he didn't know, and who he probably never would.

   The curtain began to raise.......

   He threw an encouraging smile back at the rest of his band mates, mouthed the words "Let's boogie," and ran out onto the stage as the adrenaline pumped it's way through every inch of his body.

   He gave it everything he had.............and yet.........when all was said and done.........he left the stage disappointed in his performance. There was a missed note here..........another one there.......

   People approached him after the show, complimenting him on what they thought was a stellar performance, as well as an incredible accomplishment. They praised him for the good work he had done, and for the amazing gifts this would bring to this very poor community. But as hard as he tried to accept that, as he looked back upon that performance in the years that followed, he would quickly shrug it off and say "I wish I would've played better."

   Why was it that he couldn't see the beauty in what had just taken place? Why was it that - instead of allowing himself to live in the moment, enjoying it for all it was worth and for all that it had meant to so many others - he looked back upon the events of that night as a failure?

   It was because everything about that neighborhood........that school......that history.......reminded him of everything he had been told about who he was many years ago..........That anything short of perfection was failure.

   The man in this story was me, and it was something I experienced about 6 years ago.

   So, what makes it different for me now? Why did I take the time to write this story?

   Because I've recently learned something very important about myself, and it's something I'm certain that many of you have experienced and deal with on a daily basis..........The illusion of perfection.

   I was raised to expect perfection of myself, and if I don't speak the perfect words, act in the perfect manner, or perform in ways that are absolutely perfect given the circumstances, I find it impossible to see the value in what I've said, how I've acted, or in how I've performed. I simply see that moment in time as a failure on my part.

   What I've been forced to come to terms with recently is - not only are none of us perfect, but we rarely perform perfectly under any circumstances. There will always be something we could've done better, said more profoundly, or acted upon more appropriately. If we allow ourselves - as I have many times - to see our words or actions as failures because they weren't flawless, we will never allow ourselves to truly enjoy life as it was intended to be lived.

   The desire to strive for perfection is a gift from God Himself..........The belief that anything short of perfection is a failure is a lie, straight from hell.

   We are all imperfect people, living in an imperfect world. There's nothing wrong with striving for perfection, as long as we can - at the same time - live life to the fullest, knowing that we did our very best given the circumstances.

   We were all created by God Himself to use our various gifts and abilities in ways that help, encourage, bless, instruct, and lift up others. If we look back upon our efforts to use these gifts in those ways, and we see nothing more than a long list of failures on our part, we call God a fool for putting us in the position to use those gifts, at that very moment, in front of those very people, to be used by Him in ways that are extremely significant.

   After all, if we truly believe that we weren't the best person to perform in that place, at that time, for those people, then the only conclusion we can draw is that somehow God must've been confused for sending us into that place.

   Believe in who you are - which is who God created you to be...........Perfectly imperfect...........and live in that moment. If we can all live by that belief..........we will look back a few years from now.......smile.......and know that we did our very best.

  
  

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