Monday, December 10, 2012

The 400-lb Gorilla

   Have you ever heard the phrase "They're ignoring the 400-lb gorilla in the living room?" I'm sure you have. In fact, I'm quite certain you're heard it used on many occassions. It's a cute little phrase that causes genuine laughter whenever it's spoken. Why? Because it's rediculous. I mean, nobody could possibly ignore a 400-lb gorilla in their living room, could they?

   Can you even begin to imagine the kind of damage that a 400-lb gorilla could do if left alone to do whatever he wishes in your living room?

   Worse than that, can you even begin to imagine the kind of damage that a 400-lb gorilla could do to you and your family if you allowed it to roam free in your home? And I'm not just talking about the physical damage. Imagine the emotion and psychological damage that would be inflicted upon you and your family.

   You'd all all be living on edge, doing everything you could think of to avoid upsetting him. No room in the house would feel safe. After all, a 400-lb gorilla could make toothpicks out of any door you might install, no matter how secure it may look.

   On the outside realm of the rediculous, your only hope in being able to live peacefully with this monster would be if it came and went as it pleased. When it was in your home, you'd weigh everything you did, but if it left to go hunting (or whatever 400-lb gorillas do for enjoyment) you could walk through your home freely. Of course, you'd always have one eye on the door just in case he returned, and you'd immediately feel your entire body tense up whenever he did.

   You might be wondering by now where all of this is going. I mean, nobody here would believe for a second that I'm really trying to come up with feasible ways to live peacefully with a 400-lb gorilla, would you?

   Of course I'm not. But there are people who attempt to do so every single day of their lives.

   Rediculous! you might answer.............but unfortunately, it's the truth.

   What I'm talking about here is people who live with abuse in their homes. Be it physical, sexual, psychological, or emotional, it all has nearly the identical impact on the hearts and minds of it's victims. It's my personal opinion that psychological abuse is the most destructive, because there are no physical signs of abuse. There is no evidence that can be shown in court, unless of course the abuser is foolish enough to admit to his deeds. And trust me, they rarely are. In fact, the denial of abuse itself becomes part of the abuse.

   The sad part is that the vast majority of the people who will read this will fit into one of just a few categories. As sure as you're sitting there, you either:

1. Have been abused.
2. Are being abused.
3. Have been abusive.
4. Know a very close friend or relative who fits into one of the above categories.

   And what do all of these have in common? They are almost always ignored.........just like a 400-lb gorilla in the living room.

   Just last year, I had the priveledge and the honor of  being invited to attend an 8-week workshop on domestic abuse offered by Turning Point in Crystal Lake. Turning Point is a home for victims of domestic abuse that offers not only a home for the most at-risk women, but which also provides intense counseling, representation, and assistance to these women in a wide variety of areas.

   I learned quite a bit during those workshops, but two facts have stayed with me, and I think of them every single time I hear about domestic abuse.

1. The average number of times an abused woman will leave an abusive relationship, and then return to that relationship before leaving for good is 7.

2. The first question people ask when they hear of someone being abused is: Why does she stay there? While the question itself is understandable, it's the wrong question. The question should be: Why does he abuse?

   While this blog is far too short to cover all of the reasons for both, the short answer is this: Men who abuse do so because, deep down inside, they believe the only way the woman in their life will stay is if they assume absolute control over them as a person, thereby forcing them to do so by use of fear.
   The other side - why these women stay - can be due to one simple thought. These relationships rarely, if ever, start out by being abusive. More often than not, they begin with the abusive man showering them with love, affection, and attention.

   As the relationship grows, a cycle begins to take shape. This cycle is evident in every single case. There's abuse, followed by repentence, followed by what can be a long period of time of what can be considered as normal behavior.
   As time passes, the women in these relationships often see their abusive mate not as abusive, but as the man they first met, back when he was showering her with love and affection. Or they will see him as the man who seems to live a normal life for long periods of time. In either sense, he's not seen by them as abusive. He's seen as a good, hard working guy who gets angry at times. Unfortunately, the longer these relationships continue, the more difficult it is to end them. As the years pass, homes are purchased, children are raised, and the risk of loss becomes exponentially greater.

   But just as the 400-lb gorilla lives in the living room, so does the abusive side of the men in these relationships. The women will change their behavior, thier lifestyle, and even their friends to avoid upsetting him, and when he does become upset and abusive, they will often blame themselves for causing that behavior - just as if there really was a 400-lb gorilla in the living room, and she decided to go to the kitchen for a snack during his feeding time.

   It's long past time for us as a society to stop ignoring the 400-lb gorilla. If you're being abused, please, remove yourself from the cycle and seek out some qualified counseling. No matter how much you believe it's possible, and no matter how much you change your behavior to please him, you can't change his behavior by yourself.

   If you know someone who's being abused, please, talk to them. Help them in any way you can. But most of all, believe them.

1 comment:

  1. Wow, you hit the nail on the head. This is exactly what I felt and experienced over the last 10 years. Everything you talked about is dead on accurate. I finally left my abuser in June 2012. My son and I have blossemed so much. No more walking on eggshells or ignoring the 400lb gorilla in the room. I love this and I am going to share this. Thank you for wring this.

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